Entries by elisabeth howland

THE AMERICAN DREAM

Surrogate babies born illegally in the Ukraine. A swelling online marriage business in Japan. The global theme is connection at all costs, with screens, contracts, pets, children. No one wants to be alone during a crisis, it seems. All the same I wake early one morning in late May with no desire to engage or […]

May 27, 2020 by

OPHELIA’S MOONSHINE

It had to be in tulle, of course. With puff sleeves. Baby blue. Iridescent and irrelevant. “This is Made-To-Order Fashion for the Existentially Pissed Off.” It makes me happy, she says, which I don’t feel too often. She was 16 years old, old enough to be existentially pissed off. You should be comfortable in what […]

May 24, 2020 by

NAHARIN’S VIRUS, AKA LIFE FORCE

Listen to the crows in the back garden. They are saying something. In the crepuscule blue I hold myself, I heal myself. For once, I do not think of you. … An hour later the crows are still talking, this time on the other side of the house. It is late, but they remain inexplicably […]

May 23, 2020 by

HELLO SIR, HEY SISTER

(On all those things that lie outside our spheres of knowing) I was very very emotional,” Jack said. He paused. “I’m using the word emotional to cover up the fact I was crying like a baby.” (NY Times) … The rhododendrons in the park today were beautiful. This is where I need to start. “A […]

May 18, 2020 by

TEMPORARY IMMUNITY

I kept my hope just like I hoped to… (You shouldn’t break your heart over the small shit. It’s time to show them what you’re worth.) Does your anger make you full? Damn permanent reverie. (What could be worth it to them to sacrifice their souls to make this pact with the devil?) There are […]

May 18, 2020 by

BOONDOGGLING

We are speaking now about FACTS PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE. (As distinguished from political facts, or personal facts, or opinions. Though it does seem important to distinguish at some point what exactly we mean when we speak about FACTS, what are the FACTS about facts, especially as all the facts continue to be changing.) The fact, […]

May 15, 2020 by

RISE ABOVE

Now we‘re really starting to get into it. If we thought this was a bad dream before, now we are beginning to realize, this is real life. Just as we start to raise the bar higher, the trenches surrounding us get deeper, and the screams of those stuck in the mud start to rise above […]

May 13, 2020 by

ONLY DON’T KNOW

Now we turn to the subject of expectations. The expectations we have of others, and those we have of ourselves. There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” […]

May 11, 2020 by

SOUL FOOD

What does your soul need? For me, this evening, it was a few good long hours in the kitchen, making things. Every season brings its bounty, and Spring is by far the most exciting. Now in quarantine, ingredients seem anyway more precious. Here I am one, and one does not always have such an appetite […]

May 11, 2020 by