We are now in the second phase, of however many phases we do not yet know. It seemed quite benevolent of Mother Nature to provide us with non-stop sun for the entire month of April as we succumbed to quarantine and a changing of the world order. But now it is May showers, amidst the flowers, and it is both sobering and replenishing in turn.
I see the blue Garza again at the canal, standing stock still, his neck so long, so vulnerable. It tempts a sense that one could snap it like a twig, if one could ever get their hands on it. He crouches down to catch a fish and his neck folds in upon itself like a flattened ‘S,’ making me curious about the structure of the vertebrae, while simultaneously inspiring me to stand up taller. The more the gravity of the changes upon us press down, the stronger and more flexible we must be in countering them. Not as a matter of resistance, but in order to find a new equilibrium.
In this new world we must breath deep, and stand tall. There is no other option for survival. We must give space to our lungs and heart to expand and open. We must transcend the sense of our own tissue, become bigger, more than we were before. This is what we are being challenged with — not just to be better, but to be more. More easy, and also more innovative. More real care, and less empty pity. More action, fewer words. More of what means something, less empty consumers. It is time to break the cycle of our algorithmic world. We created these problems, and that is why there is always another problem. Now we must also attend to fixing things.
What are the holes in your heart, and how did they get there?
As the evening deepens the dark bank of clouds overtakes the sky and it is clear a storm is impending. I don’t know why but the storms in this city seem to come on faster than in others, and often pass just as quickly. It always impressed me when I first moved here, seeing all these families lounging in parks as thunder roared in the distance. But I suppose there are those who fear getting wet, and those who don’t, and tonight I was one of the latter, picking up my pace as I wandered through the urban rainforest, but also enjoying this stark contrast of colors in the woods and sky, potent jewel-toned bark and leaves against sparkling moments of setting sunlight, the big drops as they start to fall making patterns on the warm asphalt like a leopard skin, the raindrops on the canal almost appearing in stop motion, a wave of pin drops, even a flash of lightning in the red clouds that hung in the grey blue sky.
I stopped on the bridge as there was a momentary pause in the rainfall and turned around to see a rainbow arching across the whole sky. In those moments how can we not feel like we are on the right path? How can we not be grateful for every moment that we have?
A fellow passerby stopped and admired the rainbow with me. So many others just passed by. I suppose you have to look up to see that, to know there is a reason to care.
We receive the rainbow, after we weather the storm.
(And just like that, the second half begins)
In Michigan people are protesting the lockdown, encouraged by the President, and possibly funded by him as well. There are quite a few real people thrown in with the crazies, people who just want to be seen as creative and responsible individuals capable of going back to business in a reasonable manner. Unfortunately they are in the same category as people who really don’t seem to know the difference between right and wrong and would rather take impotent sides and drive around a city capital honking horns about it.
Give us a safe paradigm for human behavior, he says, and let us work within it.
I have empathy for governors and government — for you will always have the crazies, people who ruin it for so many others, all because of a lack of freedom that inevitably comes when one neglects their personal responsibility or were taught the task of finding scapegoats.
In this moment we find ourselves wanting to ask the obvious questions, like Why not just leave the oil in the ground if you have no where to put it?
But the thing is, we structured our entire economy (and culture) on not being beholden to anyone, being individualistic and self-sustaining, and for that reason our economy is incredibly unstable. If we pull one pin the entire thing will collapse. Oh wait, it just did. Suddenly the idea of being beholden to someone is increasingly attractive, because this of course means that we are not only beholden, but also included, in something of greater measure than our own bounds.
Where do we start when the enemy is Depression and the war is a game? The feminist wackos found a way into the system, but not without protest. Women can be funny, he says, and laughs, but I can’t think of any examples. Meanwhile on Bright Bart comes a voice ready to make the case for Western Chauvinism and White Supremacy. These people consider themselves educated, just because they have a lot of information in their head, and it takes the voice of Destiny to prove them wrong.
Feminazis are going to take over the world, by the way, with their army of Social Justice Warriors, and ruin this politically incorrect world as they struggle for power against the phallic gatekeeper. This is the truth — always say anything against you is wrong. Deny Deny Deny. Shout louder. Don’t change. Because change is unknown and full of fear and all those sluts walking around out there doing gonzo activism have no idea what their talking about. That’s what a feminist is, a suicide bomber diving in to ruin our life.
If these people knew who I was, we would be friends. I sit down in front of my screen in West Virginia and collectively we watch a billion hours a day of content. That is 114,000 years. It is only normal again when we are great again, hail Trump. Let us face the Race Realism, challenge The Great Replacement, get in a pickup and drive down the street with a shotgun to shoot down a jogger whose skin happens to be the same color as the slaves were down in Georgia a few generations ago. Make sure you look like an ignorant red-neck, it will be much more convincing.
2:23.
This is the time we remember, the time we should remember, the one the realists forget. Somehow as this adventure game gets deeper we discover more and more rabbit holes to fall into, some of them just teeming with offspring and waiting to reproduce even more. We have effects for each cause coming up already as we round the next corner.
Grandma’s opening cans of chicken broth and matzo ball soup — I mean, soup is soup, she says. In the fifties cans were cool. We all used those recipes on the side of the box. Why not? During the Depression you were lucky if there was anything at all.
The governor had a good weekend, in case anyone is asking.
He likes the boyfriend, who has now departed the premises.
(We all smile at this news, all of us would ask, if we could)
You still saved a life, he said, even if it’s not your life. That’s not a bad way to spend a day.
Then he begins with his wise words. Know what you are doing before you do it. Turn the valve; watch the dials. Examine the evidence — what did we learn, how did we change, how will we improve?
It’s hard to Speak Truth to Power.
(When I hear them say, Don’t worry, I worry deep inside)
Helping each other is the way we actually all advance, sharing benefits and burdens. If you want to do an analysis of who is a giver, and who is a taker, you can, even though that is repugnant to ideas of mutuality and community, and will inevitably show a reality that the realists are delusional enough to ignore.
What? You want to talk about money now?
You happen to be 180 degrees wrong.
Who owes what to whom?
It’s about working together, and giving and sharing, and grief and comfort. If you want to make it about money you’re making a mistake because you’re gonna lose. You’re not even going to come close on the tally sheet.
Again the reporters ask about nursing homes, as if the Governor has a new set of magic answers that don’t involve personal responsibility on the part of the staff, and not just that, the ability as well to say when they need help — this is one of the lessons, are you hearing me? You need to learn how to practice accurate self-assessment, which also means, knowing how to ask for help.
You take Bernadette, I couldn’t handle her.
(Are we all laughing right now, or is it just me?)
And oh, let us continue to collate the list of things we are losing and those we may never win back. Like shaking hands. Why were we ever shaking hands? Why didn’t we start wearing masks last year?
Have you ever shook someone’s hand? That should be enough of an explanation — <that> — whatever it was, good or bad, is why we shake hands. To know what this person is made of.
A series of questions in Albany:
Governor, do you know when we are going to be out of money as a state?
We are out of money now, already. We have paid out billions of dollars in unemployment benefits that we don’t have.
Governor, should we raise taxes?
Right, raise taxes to all those people to whom we just gave unemployment checks? You graduated from college, didn’t you?
This is a sanity equation, he says. People don’t like change, they like control. Especially on a societal or collective level. But if you don’t change you won’t grow; if you don’t run the risk of change, you won’t have the benefit of advancement.
Songs of love and hate keep playing. Here is someone who stood up, and then they went to bed.
I watch the flowers open day by day. I do not know their name. They look like satin, bright pink satin. And then deeper mauve as well. The colors of party dresses. It is prom season, after all. I looked like a swan at my prom, white strapless satin and a feather boa.
The clock on the table might as well be your heartbeat tonight. It comforts me.
Then the thought, like the night, ends abruptly.